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Jun '05

Minding My Own Business

The human mind is something of a mystery to me. I can’t, and never will understand how our minds work. There have been a rash of things going on in my mind lately. Most noteably the frustration I have had, followed by reassurance followed by some worry…well you get the picture.brain.jpg

The last couple of weeks have been really trying for my faith. I think that I have the “spiritual gift” of faith. I don’t have a hard time believing God for stuff, things, resources etc. I have always just had a kind of naive trust in God that he’ll meet my needs. It is harder, however, to trust God when you are unsure if you should be doing something to bring about the will of God. I know that even sounds like someone who has a total lack of faith…do something to bring about the will of God?

Here’s the short list:

    – We’ve had 3 weeks of weekend gatherings.
    – It costs $500 per week to rent Hamilton
    – Our Offerings have averaged $300
    – I cannot find a job and moreover have no peace about getting one*
    – We are looking at extending our month long run of weekend gatherings a couple of more weeks and    then being out of money
    – I have been inundated with opportunities to minister to people
    – Most if the people I have had opportunity to minister to are not the people we are looking to reach        out to in Wallingford
    – I know that I know that what we are doing is going to be HUGE, but will it happen soon enough?
    – Will the people of our community get behind the plan we have come up with to continue?
    – Will the people of our community tithe regularly?
    – More importantly will they let Christ into every area of their lives including their money?

* I would be more than happy to get a job if that is what God is directing me to do but I am not finding one and wondering if I am lacking faith in looking for my needs to be met in some other way than what God has spoken to me thus far.

So that is the short list…to be honest sometimes it is a VERY heavy list…sometimes it is not that big of deal…thus my feelings on the human mind.


Take yesterday for example. Heidi was feeling sick and I picked her up from work and said to her, “Honey don’t worry there is nothing going on tonight! We’ll go home, you can put your pajamas on and we’ll relax together all evening.”

Sounded like a good plan until a couple of people showed up for dinner…We hadn’t anticipated on them being there so we were unsure if we had enough food (mostly because I was cooking dinner). Then while we were eating someone else came by…felt embarrassed for interrupting dinner (even though they were totally not interrupting and welcome to stay) when they left I went outside to play catch with Michael (practicing baseball). As I was standing in my yard my neighbor whom I have wanted in the worst way to earn a place in his life starts spilling his guts with me about his best friend and how he flipped out and has to be admitted to the psych ward against his will. Talk about an opportunity to minister to my neighbor. Then as soon as that conversation is in full swing another member of our community shows up at my house because he has been calling all afternoon wondering about when the Bible study (which was the night before) was. I excused myself from my conversation with my neighbor and went inside with my newly arrived guest. He was having a TERRIBLE day and really needed someone to just listen and pray for him. Which I did. After about 45 minutes he left and I finished playing catch with my kids (all of 20 minutes until they had to go to bed). After putting them to bed and starting a pot of tea for Heidi, we sat on the couch and sighed a big relief that we were finally able to just be together. A couple of minutes went by when I realized our guest that had come over during dinner and how she said she would call us later. It was much later and she never did call us. So I called her. Within 10 minutes she was there and finally at 10:35 Heidi had to go to bed (she is pretty sick with a cold). So I went to bed with her but stayed up working on my computer for a while.

Here is the thing: All of the conversations I had were good, needed, and I feel God ordained. I had an opportunity to really help people yesterday. Love them. Listen to them. Minister to them. Why am I complaining? Well I’m not really I am just wondering how I can spend the better part of a day doing what God has called me to do and still in the back of my mind worry about what our next move should be…Where the money is going to come from? If my family is going to suffer for what we are doing? I don’t worry about them sacrificing for what we are doing…I expect that we will as a family make some sacrifices, but you can sacrifice (which builds character) without suffering (which can lead to a lack of health).

This has been the longest blog I have written in a long time. Any way that is where I am at. Pray for me. I am happy, excited, scared, worried, and full of faith all at the same time. I have no idea how I can be all of those at once!

See I told you I don’t understand the human mind!

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